Friday, August 23, 2019
Posted by Cacat Cinta at 11:06 AM
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I know i didn't post anything in this blog for decades now. But today im posting basically for the sake of my own reading. Whomever stumble upon this post feel free to read though you may not understand thoroughly on what the hell is going on.
I met this guy through my housemate which my housemate is currently date his best friend or some sort. The first time i met him he was gentle, nice and reserve which immediately made me attracted to him.
Then i tried to keep myself calm and remind myself not to do anything stupid but in the end i made lame and stupid jokes which he laughed non-stop. I was glad that i can make him smile and i wish i can do that for the rest of my life back then.
After a few weeks of contemplating whether to approach him, i decided its time for me to make a move. I know i have nothing to lose hence in my mind screamed "what the heck are you waiting for?! Just go la fucker!".
I followed him in instagram which led me to his tweethandle in twitter. We 'liked' each other's pictures and retweeted each other's tweets which is the modern way of saying "hey how's it goin'?"
I took the courage to direct message him in twitter to request for his phone number for the excuse that i wanted to text him since im bored as hell (yeah i know lame excuse but at least he bought it).
So we texted day and night asking silly questions like any love struck person would ask. Hows the day, what kind of meal youve eaten, bla bla bla.... Completely boring question.
Then a few weeks later, after he came back from his holidays, we decided to meet up for an official date. We went for dinner and talk all night long. It seems that the night couldnt get any better.
Suddenly he dropped the bomb and said that he would only consider me as a friend. Since then i became restless. Uncertain. Broken hearted. This is the third time my heart was broken and shattered to pieces.
Today i've never felt so alone. Had a terrible day at the office and adding this issue on top of it is like pouring acid on an open wound. It hurts soo bad and i can't even describe how i feel right now. I can't eat. I haven't had anything since this morning.
Maybe this moment made me realised that i could never be loved by someone whom i love to begin with...
Posted by Cacat Cinta at 5:57 PM
Saturday, January 15, 2011
didn't know how to start writing after a while i haven't visit this page. i guess writing is still within my passion and so called honed skill but neglecting it has been a nuisance.
I've deleted (more like deactivated) my facebook and account and PlanetRomeo account. at first i question myself on why i did such fickle action when i'm usually not that easy to be messed with. i've always thought that i have a very solid state of mind and well equip knowledge on how to handle heartbreaks and pain. i guess i was wrong. being knowledgeable on the pains doesn't necessarily makes it go away. in fact it becomes much more painful and difficult to bear with since you're contradicting logic with your emotions. \par
i know by the time i finish writing this stupid post, i wouldn't understand a single thing i wrote, but at least i'm glad that i've written it. it all started with my bestfriend. Lets just name him ermmm... Joe. i've been close with him for about a year now. neverthought i could be close with him like this since i hated him soooo damn much for him being such an ass. literally! but i wouldn't meddle much on how i got close with him. i just need to tell that i have a bestie since my pain started from there.
you see, Joe has a boyfriend already and they're quite happy with each other. But I know Joe very well to the extend that he couldn't stay away from trouble for long. during that particular period of time, and while still attached himself with his boyfriend, he met a guy named Jack. Jack is just and average guy. nothing fancy about him. just a plain ex-teacher who is about to fall in love with the wrong guy and regret it for the rest of his life.
That particular fling went on for about a few months until Jack couldn't take it anymore since he knew all this while Joe has a boyfriend and refuses to let him go. A few episodes of drama screened and unfortunately some of it, i directed them myself. Being in control at that time, i knew what will be the consequence later on. But i choose to ignore them.
to cut the story short, they had a bad break up. I mean really bad. well one thing i forgot to mention to you guys was that i REALLY liked Jack since the beginning of time (more like since i met him). But i didn't have the courage to tell him and further more, Joe had his leash over Jacks' neck during that period of time. But after the breakup, Jack contacted me for advice and consolation. I knew i shouldn't go for it, but i just let my guard down and true enough, i fell in love with him.
He kept on calling me every day. we wouldn't miss a voice for at least a few hours. it was heaven and blissful at that time. everything just seems so right. nothing could possibly went wrong. but it did went wrong. terribly wrong. I confessed to him that i liked him and... ermmm... lets just say that the answer wasn't to my liking and all. felt like i've been dumped a gazillion times and i knew this wound won't heal that quickly.
Right after that i decided to delete my facebook and PR since i think i want to cool off from contacting any PLU's out there. i'm not saying that they're bad or anything. i didn't hold any grudge or hate. I just need to learn how to appreciate more. I need to learn how to appreciate on the little things. i used to tell myself that i have to be grateful on everything... even the little things. but my lips doesn't sync with my heart. it didn't feel right.
i hope after my disappearance in the cyberworld would make me think deeply on my current relationship with myself. i guess majority principles still stick. "learn to love your self before you can love others"
I wonder if i can make it or not...
Posted by Cacat Cinta at 4:07 PM
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
yes... come and lets make money... and the best part is... we don't even have to spend a single cent... just click your way through cash!
isn't it that simple?
just click the link here and register... then invite your friends... and ask them to invite their friends... you'll see the progress as your network grows!
Posted by Cacat Cinta at 4:51 PM
Friday, November 6, 2009
woke up this morning due to a telephone ring from a friend of mine. Neo Anderson.
he called and said that someone will send an e-mail for an interview regarding lifestyle about gay man. Since i just woke up i just answered the question given :
As for our favourite meeting spot, it depends on the person itself. Most of us hang out at Tasik Permaisuri which is “the” place for People Like Us (PLU’s for short). But as for some of us, chilling at kopitiam and window shopping is more fun since some of us didn’t like much to expose ourself in the gay scene.
As for the moment I didn’t have any partner in my life… yet. But I used to have one and I loved him dearly. As for your question why do I choose to be gay, I’d have to say, nobody choose themselves to be gay or straight. Don’t you think it would be an easier life for us if we were straight? We don’t have to lie, pretend to be straight just to avoid the mockery that our community thrown upon us. We don’t choose this kind of lifestyle as people don’t choose to be tall or short, blue eyed or brown eyed. Heterosexual or homosexual. Yes it is awkward, but would it be better if we just pretend to be gay and get married to some innocent girl? Of course not right?
Ramai mengatakan golongan lelaki yang berpendapatan tinggi dan ada rupa kebanyakannya terlibat dengan perkara ini. komen anda?
I don’t agree with that statement. Yes, maybe most of us have good looks and yes, maybe some of us is successful in our life. But that does not apply to every single gay man in town. In the end, we’re just human. And we crave what any man crave for; being successful in life. And since we’re gay, maybe we have more understandings in the difficulties in life that we’re facing. From there we gain experience and study human behaviour at the same time. All of us would want to move forward in our life. Same as any other people.
Posted by Cacat Cinta at 9:01 PM
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Gamber yang tiade kaitan... tapi tetap best... hahahks
Posted by Cacat Cinta at 11:22 PM
Alone. I’ve been giving some thought about the word. We always feel unhappy when the word alone somehow correlates to our lives. We don’t even want to be consorted with such word. But the more I think the more I realized that alone means all–one. It is when all your emotions comes together to talk to you personally. Anger, sadness, happiness, fear and all other emotions that you can think of at that point of time.
I’ve been battling myself about my sexuality for quite some time and I think it’s not going to end anytime soon. It’s like the battle between good and evil. My dad didn’t say anything about this. Of course. He never say anything to me ever. He just say things that he didn’t like to my mother and she will say it (in a nicer way) to me. He said he wanted me to change my so called ‘lifestyle’. He hated when I ‘consorted’ with gay guys.
Not even close. I know being a homosexual is wrong especially in this kind of community. Did he think I’ve never wish that I am straight? Every gay man in the world must’ve wish that every single day because we all know being straight is the best thing ever since that is the right thing to do. Being gay is not like a drug where you can starve yourself from it and hope that it would go away. Being gay is not a choice at all. It’s like your telling yourself to be who you are not.
Would you be happy if you’re lying to yourself every single minute of your life?
Would you be happy if I’m lying every single minute of your life?
Some people said that I’m more matured than any other man of my age to compare. Am I? or am I just saying the truth about what I saw and experienced. And whatever I’ve said is just based on the analytical review of my past experience. Based on logic and a bit of emotional cauldron. I guess he wouldn’t know how I feel. He’s lucky that he never have to experience this. He thinks that he had enough experience to stare down on other people.
From what I’ve learned, nobody is old enough to disrespect other people. I’ve learnt it the hard way. Before I went off to college, I was a miserable kid. Then I discover life there, some were good influence, some were not so good. But hey, no matter what kind of experience they are, they are still experience to me and I’m proud to say that I enjoy savoring up each moment of those experience. Giving me lessons on the do’s and the don’ts in life. I know he’s trying to be the best father. I respect his effort on how to make me a better person.
But he should just let me experience life up front. A person need to feel all this kind of emotions. So that one day he could differentiate each emotions and then teach his children all about them. A parents job is actually to look after their children. To teach them about life. Yes, we know that sometimes your child is doing bad things and things that you didn’t really like. But that’s what parenting for. Being there when we experience it. No matter bad or good the experience it. Supporting us when we need them the most.
I tried to love him, but I just can’t. It even hurts me the most when I called him not long ago and he refuse to acknowledge me as his son. From that moment, I refuse to talk to him. Up until now, I never said anything towards him. If anything needed to be said, I just convey the message to my mum. But rarely that happens.
That is why I started to jog and swim. I tried to take my mind of these things. About my sexuality. About my father. About my friends. I’ve hit rock bottom. A friend of mine mention this metaphor about life. He said that life is like a spiral. I thought I understood that already from the moment he mentioned that. But the way he explained it made everything much more clearer. He said, life is like a spiral, when we’re on top, we are really at the top of our moment. But when we fall, we fall hard. Harder than you could ever imagine. To get back up would need a tremendous amount of strength just to get yourself up for an inch. But when your going up and reach the top, your above your past achievement and you’re trying your best not to fall since if you fall, you will fall harder than before.
I guess fell down quite hard. I’m regaining my strength to get back up. Couldn’t wait to leave this place. I have a wish that one day, I would leave him for good. Never have to see his face again. I’m thinking of a place like
Sometimes I wish I have amnesia or something. So that I don’t have to be gay anymore.
Or can I?
God I wish he can see the world through my eyes. See what I see and feel what I feel. But a man can only wish. The same thing about my wish about being straight and all.
Posted by Cacat Cinta at 12:27 AM