Thursday, November 5, 2009

Rock Bottom



November 4, 2009

Disclaimer : This is just a writing form of my chamber of thoughts. It is not meant for anybody to read. But if anybody stumble upon this and got offended, then I’m so sorry dad but this is just what I think about you. If you want to take things aggressively go ahead. Be the shallow man that you are.


Alone. I’ve been giving some thought about the word. We always feel unhappy when the word alone somehow correlates to our lives. We don’t even want to be consorted with such word. But the more I think the more I realized that alone means all–one. It is when all your emotions comes together to talk to you personally. Anger, sadness, happiness, fear and all other emotions that you can think of at that point of time.

Whenever were alone, somehow there’s a space between yourself and your soul to communicate. Everyone talk to themselves once in a while. A common interpretation of that action is that, that man is a lonely person and the only way to cheer him up is by him talking to himself. I found out that it is not entirely true. We have to talk to ourselves especially when the situation is getting out of control. It is because only you are the person that you know best.

Before this I loathe the feeling of loneliness. I even despise just by the thought of it. I’ve been living in this life for more than 23 years. For certain people, I’m still very young. A lot of adventures in my life that I can look forward to. Experience things that I’ve never experience before. Then why do I feel awful? Why am I not feeling as young as I am? Until this day, I kept on thinking on the logic of what’s happening to me. Why am I gay? A homosexual. This is not the right thing. I kept on thinking and making myself believe that this is just a choice and I can fix this.

Can I? Is it fixable?


I’ve been battling myself about my sexuality for quite some time and I think it’s not going to end anytime soon. It’s like the battle between good and evil. My dad didn’t say anything about this. Of course. He never say anything to me ever. He just say things that he didn’t like to my mother and she will say it (in a nicer way) to me. He said he wanted me to change my so called ‘lifestyle’. He hated when I ‘consorted’ with gay guys.

As usual, like any other kids, I rebelled. But not in front of him. I rebelled internally. Whenever he’s home, I just put on a poker face and trying my best to please his wishes. Well, so far he’s happy since I didn’t go out and hang out with my friends anymore. Slowly, I loose my friends. One by one. Until I’m all alone. I guess this is what he wanted. Just one question pops up in my mind.



Am I happy?


Not even close. I know being a homosexual is wrong especially in this kind of community. Did he think I’ve never wish that I am straight? Every gay man in the world must’ve wish that every single day because we all know being straight is the best thing ever since that is the right thing to do. Being gay is not like a drug where you can starve yourself from it and hope that it would go away. Being gay is not a choice at all. It’s like your telling yourself to be who you are not.



Would you be happy if you’re lying to yourself every single minute of your life?
Would you be happy if I’m lying every single minute of your life?


Some people said that I’m more matured than any other man of my age to compare. Am I? or am I just saying the truth about what I saw and experienced. And whatever I’ve said is just based on the analytical review of my past experience. Based on logic and a bit of emotional cauldron. I guess he wouldn’t know how I feel. He’s lucky that he never have to experience this. He thinks that he had enough experience to stare down on other people.


From what I’ve learned, nobody is old enough to disrespect other people. I’ve learnt it the hard way. Before I went off to college, I was a miserable kid. Then I discover life there, some were good influence, some were not so good. But hey, no matter what kind of experience they are, they are still experience to me and I’m proud to say that I enjoy savoring up each moment of those experience. Giving me lessons on the do’s and the don’ts in life. I know he’s trying to be the best father. I respect his effort on how to make me a better person.


But he should just let me experience life up front. A person need to feel all this kind of emotions. So that one day he could differentiate each emotions and then teach his children all about them. A parents job is actually to look after their children. To teach them about life. Yes, we know that sometimes your child is doing bad things and things that you didn’t really like. But that’s what parenting for. Being there when we experience it. No matter bad or good the experience it. Supporting us when we need them the most.


I tried to love him, but I just can’t. It even hurts me the most when I called him not long ago and he refuse to acknowledge me as his son. From that moment, I refuse to talk to him. Up until now, I never said anything towards him. If anything needed to be said, I just convey the message to my mum. But rarely that happens.


That is why I started to jog and swim. I tried to take my mind of these things. About my sexuality. About my father. About my friends. I’ve hit rock bottom. A friend of mine mention this metaphor about life. He said that life is like a spiral. I thought I understood that already from the moment he mentioned that. But the way he explained it made everything much more clearer. He said, life is like a spiral, when we’re on top, we are really at the top of our moment. But when we fall, we fall hard. Harder than you could ever imagine. To get back up would need a tremendous amount of strength just to get yourself up for an inch. But when your going up and reach the top, your above your past achievement and you’re trying your best not to fall since if you fall, you will fall harder than before.


I guess fell down quite hard. I’m regaining my strength to get back up. Couldn’t wait to leave this place. I have a wish that one day, I would leave him for good. Never have to see his face again. I’m thinking of a place like London or maybe even Scotland. A nice place to retreat myself. I don’t think I would miss him. But I will miss my mom. I love her dearly. She’s been through a lot. I guess she’s also trying to understand my situation. I didn’t say that she condones me being gay or doing bad things. It’s the way she handles it reminds me that she’s there for me no matter what. I could never trade a mother like that with anyone.


Sometimes I wish I have amnesia or something. So that I don’t have to be gay anymore.  

Or can I?

Can a person who have amnesia change his sexuality as well? I’ve never research about that yet, but I think since I’ve thought about it, then I should dig up some information on that. Maybe it could be very helpful for me as well. The more you think about it, the more it feels like an either or situation. Either you die or lose everything memories that you have as you grow up. Either way is sucks. But sacrifices have to be made to make someone satisfied right? I guess I just have to prove to him that he is still my father.


God I wish he can see the world through my eyes. See what I see and feel what I feel. But a man can only wish. The same thing about my wish about being straight and all.

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