The Interview

woke up this morning due to a telephone ring from a friend of mine. Neo Anderson.

he called and said that someone will send an e-mail for an interview regarding lifestyle about gay man. Since i just woke up i just answered the question given :

Secara jujur anda tertarik dengan lelaki yang bagaimana? Ciri-ciri mereka?

in general I’m attracted to masculinity and a moderate level of self confidence. Good looks is a bonus feature for me.

Ceritakan tentang komuniti homoseksual di Malaysia dari segi aktiviti, tempat2 pertemuan popular, dll.

Apa yang anda selalu buat? Dimana anda selalu pergi bersama pasangan, etc?

 Gay people are the same as any other people. We hang out at the usual places as anybody hang out. Shopping mall, night clubs, and we even play sports.
As for our favourite meeting spot, it depends on the person itself. Most of us hang out at Tasik Permaisuri which is “the” place for People Like Us (PLU’s for short). But as for some of us, chilling at kopitiam and window shopping is more fun since some of us didn’t like much to expose ourself in the gay scene.

Adakah anda mencintai pasangan anda? Kenapa anda memilih untuk bersama dengan lelaki?Tidakkah anda rasa aneh?

 As for the moment I didn’t have any partner in my life… yet. But I used to have one and I loved him dearly. As for your question why do I choose to be gay, I’d have to say, nobody choose themselves to be gay or straight. Don’t you think it would be an easier life for us if we were straight? We don’t have to lie, pretend to be straight just to avoid the mockery that our community thrown upon us. We don’t choose this kind of lifestyle as people don’t choose to be tall or short, blue eyed or brown eyed. Heterosexual or homosexual. Yes it is awkward, but would it be better if we just pretend to be gay and get married to some innocent girl? Of course not right?

Ramai golongan gay beri alasan ‘salakah saya suka gay?’ bila kecenderungan mereka itu dikritik. Pernahkah anda menuturkan kata-kata itu? Kepada siapa? Bila kali terakhir?

 To me, whenever people question my sexuality, I would ask the person back. “ do you choose yourself to be straight?” it’s as simple as that. I can’t recall when was the last time I said it. Probably a long-long time ago.

Siapa pasangan anda?dari negara mana?

my previous boyfriend was as Sarawakian. So he’s a Malaysian.

Di Malaysia golongan sebegini tidak berapa diterima kerana kekangan agama dan budaya. Pernahkah anda terfikir untuk berhijrah ke luar negara yang menghalalkannya? dan pernahkah anda berfikir untuk berkahwin?

I’ve always thought of migrating to another country. But that is based on my personal problem. To me where ever you go to, there will be people who will be difficult towards you because of your sexuality. Hence running away is never a primary option for me. Getting married is every gay guys dream. We also wish everyday that one day that we will turn straight and lead a normal life. But that depends on the individual opinion I guess.

Macammana permulaan cerita anda, bila anda mula menyukai lelaki? sebab2, dan bagaimana hidup anda bersama pasangan.

I’ve started to realized that I was gay when I was 12 years old I guess. But at that point of time I never knew such terms existed. I kept it hidden until I pursued my studies in university.

Ada yang mengatakan pasangan sebegitu lebih loving, caring dari pasangan biasa. pendapat anda? Adakah anda suka tukar2 pasangan?

No I don’t like to exchange partners like some gay people do. All in all, gay people are just like any other people. We are the same. Some of us might be caring and loving. But some of us just a typical guy. The only difference is that we are gay. That’s all.

Pernah bercinta dengan gadis sebelum ini? Pernah terfikir untuk berubah? Rasanya sampai bila anda akan mcm tu?

I used to have a relationship with a girl. That was when I was 17 I guess. But it didn’t work out based on obvious reason.

we do think of changing ourselves to be straight. And we know someday, if god’s willing, we will. We will never know how long it’s going to take for us to be gay. I guess until we didn’t like guys anymore perhaps. Ehehe

Pernah tak menyesal? Bagaimana pula dengan pandangan masyarakat terhadap anda?

I’ve never regretted that I’m gay. As for the people around me, I’m blessed to have friends that understand my situation and giving me support for all this time.

Ibu bapa anda tahu tentang hubungan anda?

I think my parents knew that I’m gay indirectly. But since we’re living in this kind of community I guess their reponses is normal for me. I guess they just need more time to educate themselves and in due time, they would understand my situation.

Ramai mengatakan golongan lelaki yang berpendapatan tinggi dan ada rupa kebanyakannya terlibat dengan perkara ini. komen anda?
I don’t agree with that statement. Yes, maybe most of us have good looks and yes, maybe some of us is successful in our life. But that does not apply to every single gay man in town. In the end, we’re just human. And we crave what any man crave for; being successful in life. And since we’re gay, maybe we have more understandings in the difficulties in life that we’re facing. From there we gain experience and study human behaviour at the same time. All of us would want to move forward in our life. Same as any other people.

Me? Sports? You gotta be kidding??

Yeah folks, your eyes are not fooling you. I’m currently obsessed with sports. I mean swimming specifically. It’s not for the wrong reason either. At first, I thought swimming is just a hobby that I “suka-suka” jer since I got nothing else to do besides watching youtube or entertaining my mom at home.

Then I invited my friend from work, Nazleen and Iyoi. Suddenly we got hooked with it. Almost everyday we go to the pool just to swim and sometimes it lasted for hours and we came out as exhausted as ever. It was fun and I really love it when I can see the improvement when I first started to swim until now. Though I didn’t say I’m any good now, but at least it’s safe to say that I’m a bit above than beginner’s level. Ahhahahaks..

For the time being, this is what I do everyday. Swimming. The adrenaline coming out from it is just indescribable. It’s a good sport to forget all your worries and by now since I think you’ve noticed I swim every single day, I have a lot to worry about. *wink.

Gamber yang tiade kaitan... tapi tetap best... hahahks

Rock Bottom

November 4, 2009

Disclaimer : This is just a writing form of my chamber of thoughts. It is not meant for anybody to read. But if anybody stumble upon this and got offended, then I’m so sorry dad but this is just what I think about you. If you want to take things aggressively go ahead. Be the shallow man that you are.

Alone. I’ve been giving some thought about the word. We always feel unhappy when the word alone somehow correlates to our lives. We don’t even want to be consorted with such word. But the more I think the more I realized that alone means all–one. It is when all your emotions comes together to talk to you personally. Anger, sadness, happiness, fear and all other emotions that you can think of at that point of time.

Whenever were alone, somehow there’s a space between yourself and your soul to communicate. Everyone talk to themselves once in a while. A common interpretation of that action is that, that man is a lonely person and the only way to cheer him up is by him talking to himself. I found out that it is not entirely true. We have to talk to ourselves especially when the situation is getting out of control. It is because only you are the person that you know best.

Before this I loathe the feeling of loneliness. I even despise just by the thought of it. I’ve been living in this life for more than 23 years. For certain people, I’m still very young. A lot of adventures in my life that I can look forward to. Experience things that I’ve never experience before. Then why do I feel awful? Why am I not feeling as young as I am? Until this day, I kept on thinking on the logic of what’s happening to me. Why am I gay? A homosexual. This is not the right thing. I kept on thinking and making myself believe that this is just a choice and I can fix this.

Can I? Is it fixable?

I’ve been battling myself about my sexuality for quite some time and I think it’s not going to end anytime soon. It’s like the battle between good and evil. My dad didn’t say anything about this. Of course. He never say anything to me ever. He just say things that he didn’t like to my mother and she will say it (in a nicer way) to me. He said he wanted me to change my so called ‘lifestyle’. He hated when I ‘consorted’ with gay guys.

As usual, like any other kids, I rebelled. But not in front of him. I rebelled internally. Whenever he’s home, I just put on a poker face and trying my best to please his wishes. Well, so far he’s happy since I didn’t go out and hang out with my friends anymore. Slowly, I loose my friends. One by one. Until I’m all alone. I guess this is what he wanted. Just one question pops up in my mind.

Am I happy?

Not even close. I know being a homosexual is wrong especially in this kind of community. Did he think I’ve never wish that I am straight? Every gay man in the world must’ve wish that every single day because we all know being straight is the best thing ever since that is the right thing to do. Being gay is not like a drug where you can starve yourself from it and hope that it would go away. Being gay is not a choice at all. It’s like your telling yourself to be who you are not.

Would you be happy if you’re lying to yourself every single minute of your life?

Would you be happy if I’m lying every single minute of your life?

Some people said that I’m more matured than any other man of my age to compare. Am I? or am I just saying the truth about what I saw and experienced. And whatever I’ve said is just based on the analytical review of my past experience. Based on logic and a bit of emotional cauldron. I guess he wouldn’t know how I feel. He’s lucky that he never have to experience this. He thinks that he had enough experience to stare down on other people.

From what I’ve learned, nobody is old enough to disrespect other people. I’ve learnt it the hard way. Before I went off to college, I was a miserable kid. Then I discover life there, some were good influence, some were not so good. But hey, no matter what kind of experience they are, they are still experience to me and I’m proud to say that I enjoy savoring up each moment of those experience. Giving me lessons on the do’s and the don’ts in life. I know he’s trying to be the best father. I respect his effort on how to make me a better person.

But he should just let me experience life up front. A person need to feel all this kind of emotions. So that one day he could differentiate each emotions and then teach his children all about them. A parents job is actually to look after their children. To teach them about life. Yes, we know that sometimes your child is doing bad things and things that you didn’t really like. But that’s what parenting for. Being there when we experience it. No matter bad or good the experience it. Supporting us when we need them the most.

I tried to love him, but I just can’t. It even hurts me the most when I called him not long ago and he refuse to acknowledge me as his son. From that moment, I refuse to talk to him. Up until now, I never said anything towards him. If anything needed to be said, I just convey the message to my mum. But rarely that happens.

That is why I started to jog and swim. I tried to take my mind of these things. About my sexuality. About my father. About my friends. I’ve hit rock bottom. A friend of mine mention this metaphor about life. He said that life is like a spiral. I thought I understood that already from the moment he mentioned that. But the way he explained it made everything much more clearer. He said, life is like a spiral, when we’re on top, we are really at the top of our moment. But when we fall, we fall hard. Harder than you could ever imagine. To get back up would need a tremendous amount of strength just to get yourself up for an inch. But when your going up and reach the top, your above your past achievement and you’re trying your best not to fall since if you fall, you will fall harder than before.

I guess fell down quite hard. I’m regaining my strength to get back up. Couldn’t wait to leave this place. I have a wish that one day, I would leave him for good. Never have to see his face again. I’m thinking of a place like London or maybe even Scotland. A nice place to retreat myself. I don’t think I would miss him. But I will miss my mom. I love her dearly. She’s been through a lot. I guess she’s also trying to understand my situation. I didn’t say that she condones me being gay or doing bad things. It’s the way she handles it reminds me that she’s there for me no matter what. I could never trade a mother like that with anyone.

Sometimes I wish I have amnesia or something. So that I don’t have to be gay anymore.  

Or can I?

Can a person who have amnesia change his sexuality as well? I’ve never research about that yet, but I think since I’ve thought about it, then I should dig up some information on that. Maybe it could be very helpful for me as well. The more you think about it, the more it feels like an either or situation. Either you die or lose everything memories that you have as you grow up. Either way is sucks. But sacrifices have to be made to make someone satisfied right? I guess I just have to prove to him that he is still my father.

God I wish he can see the world through my eyes. See what I see and feel what I feel. But a man can only wish. The same thing about my wish about being straight and all.

A chapter for a friend

Unrequited love is one of the greatest. It stays forever, and it never dies. One of the greatest quote that I’ve heard tonight. Heard that one of my friend is admitted to the hospital due to brain infection. It never gets to me until now that it sounds bloody serious.

For all the time that I’m there, then it occurs to me that I’ve known that guy. We’ve hanged out. We’ve talked. We’ve even shagged before. I paused the drama that I was watching whilst reading a status updated by a friend of mine;. “…. Felt guilty unable to visit him”. Now for more than ever I felt the biggest guilt conjuring inside me. Thinking what have I done. What might happen if I didn’t go there in time.

I really liked him. I mean not in a weird way. In a friendship kind of way. We never get good friends very often, and when we do have one, we tend to keep them as long as we can. As time passed by, we’ve manage to live our lives in separate ways. We’ve lost contact. Then we kept in contact again. On and off. I’ve always known he is sick. But never could I expected that it was this serious. Then it hits me that I could have lost him forever without spending enough time with him.

I could never forgive myself if that happens. I know I haven’t been such a great friend. We’ve not even pass the border of “best friends” yet. We kept it low and simple. More than an acquaintance, less than a lover. This is the first time I write about him. I knew he wrote about me before in his previous blog which I haven’t got a chance to read it since he closed it down decades ago. I just wished he would’ve forgive me. I mean for all the stuff that I’ve done to him.

He’s the greatest actors I knew so far. He could still laugh and fool you and still be in a great pain. I guess that’s why everybody loves him. Started out as a nerd, and now he’s a grown man. Never could’ve believe that.

Get well soon Mr. Ameer Zachery. We all love you and keep up the courage.

Always been here,
Shaku